Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
