cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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