When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
