the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
