Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
