when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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