Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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