I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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