ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
