your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
