ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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