It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
