I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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