he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
