I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
