Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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