took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.