and she was petting her beer can
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz