this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.