I bet he comes in French.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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