I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dignity is for republicans.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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