Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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