Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
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last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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