we have officially lost it.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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