she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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