I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
