I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
