you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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