omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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