did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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