dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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