last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
