everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
