before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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