I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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