what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
