new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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