my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
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Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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