Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
