apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
