end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
