Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
