In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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