My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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