If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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