sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
