i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
