You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
whose parrot is this?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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