I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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