i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
