So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
