looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
