i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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