It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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